Whisk me away to a secret world...

Monday, November 29, 2004

Jie Shou

9.03pm 28 Nov 2004 Sunday

Just like the song, just like the song.

We stood at the threshold of my house, looking at each other. Your eyes had their boyish twinkle again, and I smiled too. We stood there staring at each other for a while, until you turned to leave. And turned back again to say that you were leaving US for good. And then turned to leave again.

For good.

The beautiful memories invade my mind again, but this time round, they bring no tears. I love you, I still do. I hadn't realised that. But you're just not into me, as the book goes.

So long now, my dear.

Wednesday, November 17, 2004

All it takes is a word from you...

9.50pm 17 Nov 2004 Tuesday

... to screw me up all over again. No matter how all right you think you are, life often chooses the harshest way to remind you that you aren't. I was just talking to SH about Jeremy this afternoon, because he was going to be present at the airforce function we were all invited to. We both concluded what I already knew when I called, that I was thinking too much, and I could always not go if I was that uncomfortable.

But I wasn't prepared for him to MSN me 30 minutes after I hung up with her, asking to meet up over Thanksgiving weekend. I still have some stuff with him, he said.

It was scary how fast the fog crowded my mind and stopped all brain cells from functioning normally. No matter how I tried to tell myself it was just another touch and go situation, that he was going to come up and hand me a bag and leave, the body wouldn't stop shaking.

After I finally got over the shivers, doubts and hope starting wandering into this treacherous mind unbidden. Why did he suddenly want to meet? Then I realised, he must have been packing to leave when he found those things.

jian mian de shi hou ni hui shuo she me ne? ni hui gao su wo ni yao li kai ma?

There's always that same fear that he'd hand back the Momo gear shift. I don't know why it means so much to me that he doesn't, but I just don't want to see it. Nor any black Evos. Or Puma shoes, or go to Vegas, or think of Grand Canyon and me telling him, no matter what, he must believe that I really love him.

Thank god I'm in the library now. Never knew that I still had so much emotions bottled in me, but then again, I don't want to know. I don't want to know that I still care so much, that he has the ability to affect me still.

*shudders from the melodrama and angst*

Wednesday, November 10, 2004

Heart vs Mind; Conscience vs Desires.

9.29pm 9 Nov 2004 Tuesday

I generally tend to stay away from overt lying. I know I can get away with my lies, but I just don't like to live with an untruth on my conscience.

Today I told a big spanking lie. The contents of the lie doesn't matter, but I wonder whether knowing that I'm lying would detract the joy that I'm supposed to receive as a result of the lie. Or maybe the conscience is but a fickle thing that allows itself to be manipulated by the human desires.

But if I were to segregate the feelings I have towards this whole issue, I'd find another category: logical vs emotional. As much as I enjoy spending time with him tremendously, going on a road trip together is a different ballgame altogether. Now, I'm wondering if I should tell him my leave has been approved, or to wait for him to ask again. Seeing that the trip is supposed to occur tomorrow, earliest, my fingers are itching to call him and find out once and for all, if he was serious about it. There's nothing more crushing than finding out later that he only asked because he was desperate for an activity partner, although that might well be the case. I just don't want to have to know.

This is a compound issue that's too complex. I should have just told myself no, and left it at that, instead of approaching the profs to arrange for a change of date. Not that it's an irreversible situation; I just... shouldn't have opened myself up to temptation. I guess I'll call him some time soon-ish to ask, but I really dread the response, just like I dreaded telling that lie.

See, my worries:
- cash: I don't have much any to spare!
- respectability: What would he think? What would people from his camp think? Knowing his character, I doubt he'd want to go if there was no one else going. But then again, won't the matter worsen if he had other friends going and I tagged along? Where would I sleep, then? Why did he even ask me along in the first place? I certainly hope he had thought about the sleeping arrangements and whether or not he was ready for tongues to wag.
- time: should I really be out having fun at this time when exams are pressing close?
- Rory's baptism: I promised I'd be there. I've let her down before, and I know at the back of her mind, she's still expecting me to do so. I really don't want to be a bad friend, and keep my promise to her for once. Which adds on to the guilt that's making me wonder if I'd really enjoy myself with all these issues dragging me down.

Friday, November 05, 2004


10.35am 4 Nov 2004 Thursday

I can't think of how to write what I want to write, without sounding cliche. Perhaps that's not possible because what I have to say is cliche.

It bugs me that I'm not emotionally independent enough. Oftentimes I've to turn to friends and family for assurance and confirmation before I go ahead with something. And I know it deep down inside, I know my course of action, I know my justifications for them, my analysis of the situation tells me what I'm doing is right and/or best. But what others think affects me more than my own judgement does.

Today you rebutted me on every point I made. It seemed so simple, so doable, the way you said it, that I feel like a selfish brat for choosing to do things the way I did. Instead of the comfort I sought, I got more questions and doubts. Problem is, I saw it as a personal attack rather than a solution to the issue.

It's taking too many brain cells to try to beat around the bush but yet be specific. Let's try again.

I told you the 2 big issues which were bugging me, and the fears that came along with them. Actually, I've already gotten solutions to them. But I wanted to talk to someone about them anyway, to get affirmation. Things took a nasty turn when you gave me suggestions that seemed feasible on paper but were impractical in reality. So we debated to and fro about why/why not it wouldn't work, when each sentence pushed me further back into the pit.

Jeremy once said, I've an excuse for everything.

I thought those were justifications and explanations; it never crossed my mind that my logic would turn out to be excuses to someone else.

So comes along the chain reaction. Am I a selfish person? Am I pampered? Don't I consider situations enough before I get into them? How can I be a better person? Why is it that even after I try so hard and do so much, I'm still a bad person? When will the day that I finally do something right, come?

It's not that I expected my best friend to take my side for everything. But all I was asking for was just some form of... understanding. Perhaps in that respect, I'm worse than Lou. At least she asks for her affirmations outright; I coerce people into giving them.

That's pretty much how I feel most of the time, really. That compared to everyone else around me, I'm a miserable excuse for a human being. There's nothing I'm good at, there's nothing I do right, that I'm not good enough for Jem to stay on (even if I'm past thinking of him per se), that I'm just simply not enough.

All these under the independent, cheery veneer I try to put on. But they've been peeking out too often, too much since I came here.

It's horrifying how as I grow older, the darker my thoughts get. I used to be able to think of all that and brush them off easily, because I've the solutions at my fingertips. Now, they're like lint stuck to your shirt. No matter how hard you try, they persist. The solutions are available, but it makes you wonder how effective they are if the problems come back over and over.

What do I want? What am I looking for? Who am I? Who do I want to be? Is this the grand old identity formation we read about in class? It's not that I don't know who I am, or what I'm good at, or who I want to be. But each time I think I find what I want, it turns out otherwise. Each time I think I've thought out all the angles but in the end, I'm proven wrong. Enough of the growing business. Really, enough.

On a lighter note, I dread the embarrassment that's going to come along with re-reading this when I'm much less emotional or angsty.