Whisk me away to a secret world...

Tuesday, June 28, 2005

It's a unanimous vote.

I have to admit, I'm quite at a loss. How can everyone else be wrong, and my own judgment correct? I wonder where that fount of trust and hope is coming from, because my conscious mind is struggling with coming to terms with it. Perhaps you aren't having such a terrible time as I am. After all, they say that when things like that happen, "He's just not that into you"...

For 30 minutes, I actually tried listing out my rationale for convincing myself. But you know what? Perhaps it isn't necessary. Deep in my heart, I know that you still care, but not enough. Enough to call me from time to time when you're free and drill me on my whereabouts and expect me to reply meekly, but not enough to see me.

I should know that this is all that it amounts to. A half-hearted attempt, a stab in the dark, heck, a needle in the hay stack. You would have called if you were interested, and there shouldn't have to be such a problem meeting up if you really wanted to. Oh, of course I could come up with a thousand excuses. But the key is actually this: you'd have done it if you were interested. So I guess you were right, I didn't understand the term "not free".

Put in other words, that was my cue that you wanted something that you don't want to work hard for. You were free for everything, everyone, but not enough to set a time and date to meet me. Why that was so, I've no idea. One cannot expect to gain from something that you don't put in effort for, so letting me slip from your fingers was your fault. Don't try to pin it on me, because I re-read my logic and found no flaws, no "I could have done better if"s.

The unanimous vote? Every one of my friends, regardless whether they know you or not, had expressed disfavour of this situation. But the one that opened my mind to the fact was..

Wednesday, June 22, 2005

It all boils down to who was there.

Tonight I could have leaned against Francis the whole night. Indeed, the temptation to just lie in his arms and not move was overwhelming. But he didn't and I didn't, so nothing happened.

It's not that I want him to be by my side. But you're right, you've a busy life to lead and I suppose I've to find my support group elsewhere. Just don't regret that you pushed me away with that nonchalance and coldness. I'm childishly taking revenge but who cares.

Tuesday, June 21, 2005

Shou Fang Kai

Louey once said she was possibly attracted to all the wrong guys because she doesn't really want to fall in love. Now I see how true that might be. Sometimes it's easier to like someone wrong because it makes it easier to convince yourself out of the relationship.

In all honesty, I'm using him. The truth becomes more apparent to me as each day passes. His email today told me as much about himself, that he's also using me. All we want from each other is physical satiety and companionship. It doesn't take love or emotions, just comfort and satisfaction.

The other night I almost clung on to Francis. Is that the natural progression of things? He smelt good. He has broad shoulders. He was there... But nothing happened. He got out of the car, I drove away without any indication that I wanted more from him that night.

I don't really like this crossroad. The one you've to decide after you realise that you've let the old one fade into nothingness and there's no decisive new one to take over. Somehow I get the feeling that MH is trying to create opportunities for me to meet Jason's best friend, Daosong. There's the KTV session and there's badminton. Ah well, I did ask for it... Perhaps he'd be a more suitable candidate.

Principle #1: Everything must happen for a reason.

If you did something, examine the cause or "push factor". Only then will you be able to find out how exactly you feel. If you want to do something, examine the driving force. Only then will you be able to find out whether or not you should do it.

Maybe I've finally reached that level of nonchalance as you had right from the start. I see why you'd tell me about the whole plan. Because you know that the other party will just move on if you weren't in the picture... But now I don't really care if I'm still in your picture. The disappointment is too tremendous. Maybe part of me wants to stay away from Singapore because I never really want to find out if the (former?) pact would work. It'd hurt even more than non-action if it doesn't succeed.

That's quite similar to cryogenics. Scientists have the ability to freeze but not thaw. But they'd rather freeze it first and then wait for rethermalisation techniques to catch up, than to not freeze and lose it forever. There is always a chance that retherm fails. A big chance, in fact. But heck, storage doesn't take up as much space as a living, mobile person does...

Wednesday, June 15, 2005

Chi Xin Jue Dui

It feels foreign to write these days. But yet it's difficult not to feel something with the song on repeat in the background.

I've lost you. Utterly, completely, finally. Though it has been circling round my head for some time now, to write to you before I leave, I think it's better to leave things as they are. Of course I wished that we could talk, you could hold me in your arms, but what good would that do? I tell myself you know when I leave, you know how to contact me. If you wanted to see me, you'd call.

"I lead a very busy life... if you can't understand that, sorry, I can't help you." It's beyond my comprehension how someone can say something so hurtful again and again. That's when I couldn't come up with any more excuses for your action. Because you'd never do that to someone whom you love, no matter how miserable you feel. After all, that's the premise of love, isn't it? To be able to put someone before yourself.

That's about it. I'm done with writing, with communicating, with a life with me and you in it. I still don't understand why you want to throw us away. Perhaps I never will, but it doesn't bug me as much as it used to. Somehow I can't remember anything about you anymore. It's not that I don't want to, but I just can't, anymore...