Whisk me away to a secret world...

Wednesday, November 10, 2004

Heart vs Mind; Conscience vs Desires.

9.29pm 9 Nov 2004 Tuesday

I generally tend to stay away from overt lying. I know I can get away with my lies, but I just don't like to live with an untruth on my conscience.

Today I told a big spanking lie. The contents of the lie doesn't matter, but I wonder whether knowing that I'm lying would detract the joy that I'm supposed to receive as a result of the lie. Or maybe the conscience is but a fickle thing that allows itself to be manipulated by the human desires.

But if I were to segregate the feelings I have towards this whole issue, I'd find another category: logical vs emotional. As much as I enjoy spending time with him tremendously, going on a road trip together is a different ballgame altogether. Now, I'm wondering if I should tell him my leave has been approved, or to wait for him to ask again. Seeing that the trip is supposed to occur tomorrow, earliest, my fingers are itching to call him and find out once and for all, if he was serious about it. There's nothing more crushing than finding out later that he only asked because he was desperate for an activity partner, although that might well be the case. I just don't want to have to know.

This is a compound issue that's too complex. I should have just told myself no, and left it at that, instead of approaching the profs to arrange for a change of date. Not that it's an irreversible situation; I just... shouldn't have opened myself up to temptation. I guess I'll call him some time soon-ish to ask, but I really dread the response, just like I dreaded telling that lie.

See, my worries:
- cash: I don't have much any to spare!
- respectability: What would he think? What would people from his camp think? Knowing his character, I doubt he'd want to go if there was no one else going. But then again, won't the matter worsen if he had other friends going and I tagged along? Where would I sleep, then? Why did he even ask me along in the first place? I certainly hope he had thought about the sleeping arrangements and whether or not he was ready for tongues to wag.
- time: should I really be out having fun at this time when exams are pressing close?
- Rory's baptism: I promised I'd be there. I've let her down before, and I know at the back of her mind, she's still expecting me to do so. I really don't want to be a bad friend, and keep my promise to her for once. Which adds on to the guilt that's making me wonder if I'd really enjoy myself with all these issues dragging me down.


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