Whisk me away to a secret world...

Tuesday, June 21, 2005

Shou Fang Kai

Louey once said she was possibly attracted to all the wrong guys because she doesn't really want to fall in love. Now I see how true that might be. Sometimes it's easier to like someone wrong because it makes it easier to convince yourself out of the relationship.

In all honesty, I'm using him. The truth becomes more apparent to me as each day passes. His email today told me as much about himself, that he's also using me. All we want from each other is physical satiety and companionship. It doesn't take love or emotions, just comfort and satisfaction.

The other night I almost clung on to Francis. Is that the natural progression of things? He smelt good. He has broad shoulders. He was there... But nothing happened. He got out of the car, I drove away without any indication that I wanted more from him that night.

I don't really like this crossroad. The one you've to decide after you realise that you've let the old one fade into nothingness and there's no decisive new one to take over. Somehow I get the feeling that MH is trying to create opportunities for me to meet Jason's best friend, Daosong. There's the KTV session and there's badminton. Ah well, I did ask for it... Perhaps he'd be a more suitable candidate.

Principle #1: Everything must happen for a reason.

If you did something, examine the cause or "push factor". Only then will you be able to find out how exactly you feel. If you want to do something, examine the driving force. Only then will you be able to find out whether or not you should do it.

Maybe I've finally reached that level of nonchalance as you had right from the start. I see why you'd tell me about the whole plan. Because you know that the other party will just move on if you weren't in the picture... But now I don't really care if I'm still in your picture. The disappointment is too tremendous. Maybe part of me wants to stay away from Singapore because I never really want to find out if the (former?) pact would work. It'd hurt even more than non-action if it doesn't succeed.

That's quite similar to cryogenics. Scientists have the ability to freeze but not thaw. But they'd rather freeze it first and then wait for rethermalisation techniques to catch up, than to not freeze and lose it forever. There is always a chance that retherm fails. A big chance, in fact. But heck, storage doesn't take up as much space as a living, mobile person does...


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