Whisk me away to a secret world...

Friday, November 05, 2004


10.35am 4 Nov 2004 Thursday

I can't think of how to write what I want to write, without sounding cliche. Perhaps that's not possible because what I have to say is cliche.

It bugs me that I'm not emotionally independent enough. Oftentimes I've to turn to friends and family for assurance and confirmation before I go ahead with something. And I know it deep down inside, I know my course of action, I know my justifications for them, my analysis of the situation tells me what I'm doing is right and/or best. But what others think affects me more than my own judgement does.

Today you rebutted me on every point I made. It seemed so simple, so doable, the way you said it, that I feel like a selfish brat for choosing to do things the way I did. Instead of the comfort I sought, I got more questions and doubts. Problem is, I saw it as a personal attack rather than a solution to the issue.

It's taking too many brain cells to try to beat around the bush but yet be specific. Let's try again.

I told you the 2 big issues which were bugging me, and the fears that came along with them. Actually, I've already gotten solutions to them. But I wanted to talk to someone about them anyway, to get affirmation. Things took a nasty turn when you gave me suggestions that seemed feasible on paper but were impractical in reality. So we debated to and fro about why/why not it wouldn't work, when each sentence pushed me further back into the pit.

Jeremy once said, I've an excuse for everything.

I thought those were justifications and explanations; it never crossed my mind that my logic would turn out to be excuses to someone else.

So comes along the chain reaction. Am I a selfish person? Am I pampered? Don't I consider situations enough before I get into them? How can I be a better person? Why is it that even after I try so hard and do so much, I'm still a bad person? When will the day that I finally do something right, come?

It's not that I expected my best friend to take my side for everything. But all I was asking for was just some form of... understanding. Perhaps in that respect, I'm worse than Lou. At least she asks for her affirmations outright; I coerce people into giving them.

That's pretty much how I feel most of the time, really. That compared to everyone else around me, I'm a miserable excuse for a human being. There's nothing I'm good at, there's nothing I do right, that I'm not good enough for Jem to stay on (even if I'm past thinking of him per se), that I'm just simply not enough.

All these under the independent, cheery veneer I try to put on. But they've been peeking out too often, too much since I came here.

It's horrifying how as I grow older, the darker my thoughts get. I used to be able to think of all that and brush them off easily, because I've the solutions at my fingertips. Now, they're like lint stuck to your shirt. No matter how hard you try, they persist. The solutions are available, but it makes you wonder how effective they are if the problems come back over and over.

What do I want? What am I looking for? Who am I? Who do I want to be? Is this the grand old identity formation we read about in class? It's not that I don't know who I am, or what I'm good at, or who I want to be. But each time I think I find what I want, it turns out otherwise. Each time I think I've thought out all the angles but in the end, I'm proven wrong. Enough of the growing business. Really, enough.

On a lighter note, I dread the embarrassment that's going to come along with re-reading this when I'm much less emotional or angsty.


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