Whisk me away to a secret world...

Friday, October 15, 2004

No critics allowed.

10.59pm 14 Oct 2004 Thursday

Everyone has their little secret that they don't tell others for fear of recrimination. Confidences often find their way back to wound you when you least expect it, so I just want somewhere to write whatever I wish, whenever, about whoever. Well, mostly about him, but sometimes it might be about people in my immediate circle.

Perhaps you could say this is my alter ego, the one I never show the rest of the world. It isn't duplicity; I'm just allowing people to see what they want to see, and keep away the weakness that seems to frighten them (and myself).

So today Rory's car got broken in to and I just came back from passing her my AAA membership card. He said to pay more for the premium membership so that when he's gone and there's no one to take care of me, I could still call AAA for roadside assistance. I wonder if tomorrow's tow service will be reflected in some kind of statement or other, because he gets all the associated mail. Will there be a... frisson of worry?

The car gives me too many memories of him. Each time when I go to the carwash, I'd think of him teaching me how to operate the thing. "I'll do it once and you follow ok?" and "I could wash it for you, but what happens when I leave? There'll be no one to do it for you." keep popping up uncontrollably.

I can't say I remember how he looks like or his speech pattern or funny quirks anymore. That's all blurry. But the things he said, the things he did, don't seem to want to leave my consciousness any time soon.

Each day I wonder if his new girlfriend makes his bed the way I did. Whether he'd think of me when he sees her at his house. Or maybe she's an exceptionally bad cook. But perhaps she doesn't piss him off by forgetting the tissues in her pockets all the time.

Don't laugh, I know it's silly, but I've 2 pairs of socks in my sock drawer that I don't think I'll wear for quite some time. He folded them in his funny way that I refuse to follow. They don't seem so funny anymore though.

The other day I went to China Phoenix for dim sum. Each time we go to a restaurant, we'd sit on the same side of the booth. It was always cosier huddling together, not to mention easier for eating off each other's plate. But 'lex and I sat at a table.

Doesn't it bug you that it's always the nitty gritty stuff that bogs you down? It's unbelieveable how much detail I can go into just to describe 1 behaviour or incident. But that's enough for tonight.