Whisk me away to a secret world...

Sunday, July 23, 2006

Yi ge ren de gu dan ji mo

4.39pm 22 July 2006 Saturday

Yi ge ren de gu dan ji mo roughly translates into "one person's lonliness and solitude". But this silence isn't entirely bad because it has been a long time since I've been by myself. The unfortunate thing is, once I retreat into my shell, I don't remember to talk to anyone - not the best friend, not my family, not my friends. Somehow the world seems to only consist of me, work and TV.

Today I went to Chantilly's for tea. I'd ordered a massive 3-tier Duchess Cream Tea and actually finished most of it. The room was bright and airy, and the food was delish as usual. Soothing music played overhead, and soon the room faded to a blur as I immersed myself in the book and my yummy cakes.

I impulsively decided to drive all the way up to Mt Lemmon after the lunch and stopped at Windy Point Vista for a while. The drive was fast and hard, which suited my mood well. The first bubble of sadness rose the the surface as I listened to some songs and thoughts about the past appeared in my mind unbidden. As I sped down, tears began flowing earnestly and I felt an unfamiliar constriction in my heart. I still have no idea what spurred such a breakdown, but in any case, it dissipated as fast as it appeared.

You know, I can't make any sense of these feelings that sprout out of nowhere, but yet I feel responsible for them somehow. I mean, they must still be affecting me, otherwise I shouldn't even be thinking about it, right? Which brings me to the next point - if I'm not over it, then what the heck have I been doing the past 8 months? It's pretty confusing but the good thing is, there's nothing I can or want to do about it. Which brings me back to my original point: why does it still bother me from time to time? Is it something wrong with me, or my memories, or my current relationship?

Humph. I was telling H the other day that I crave the feeling of being in love again. You know, when you first get to know a person, feel a frission of attraction, get to know him better and then gradually spend more time together. It's such an exciting process, and although being together is fine and dandy, the romantic in me still find that I miss that initial stage the most.

Maybe I can attribute all these thoughts of roses and love to the TV serials I've been watching lately. Marmalade Boy was an anime that got me glued to the TV most of the past 2 weeks, and the bittersweet yet realistic storyline was very engaging. The twists appear when you least expect it, and problems faced by the characters slowly reveal themselves in time. OK, the ending was quite dumb and I wish they'd put more thought into it, but I still liked it alot. The HK drama MH burnt for me before I left was much more predictable, but there is something to be said about watching a drama serial with so many cute and buff actors in it. I didn't even realise that it has been a long time since I've seen a hunky, tanned guy in a white shirt. Ekin Cheng in the show was rather droolworthy although there is much to improve on in terms of acting.

H sent a card from Germany with an English translation of the contents. I also received a bouquet of flowers when I was feeling down and out. So why do I still feel increasingly ambivalent and distant? hehe, maybe it has absolutely nothing to do with the amount of time and money spent on nurturing the relationship. The further apart we are, the further my heart drifts away. Maybe I should say the famous line, "It's not you, it's me." You're perfectly happy knowing that we meet in 2 weeks and then again in 5 months, and then again goodnessknowswhen, and finally when I finish my DI.

I'm not.

I thought I'd miss you more, but it seems like I miss your presence and the prospect of a built-in activity partner more. That doesn't seem right. I mean, I don't want to be miserable missing you or anything, but I didn't expect it to be so easy to be apart. The problem is, it doesn't just stop at being apart. The gap continues to grow and grow, and I feel like soon I'll drift too far away to even find the ZL who was in the relationship with you.

It reminds me of the time with Alan. He was away in camp most of the time and we communicated principally through phone calls and SMS. Over the course of 1 year, he gave me 4 journals filled with drawings and poems and writing. But yet at the same time, I was increasingly drawn to my handsome, mysterious schoolmate. You know, it isn't as much as I was interested in Rayner as I was bored. It even started out as a joke amongst a couple of friends searching for eye candy to look at in class. One thing eventually led to another, and Alan and I broke up. It wasn't to say that I didn't love Alan; I did. But maybe I'm too flighty to be the understanding girlfriend who'd wait stoically.

Somehow I feel like this is in the midst of happening again, except there's no one else involved. I keep telling myself that I'm looking forward to going to Germany when I'm more worried about coordinating the logistics of the day. I'm thinking of ways to surprise H but it's more to cheer him up than to express my love. I'm fine being alone but it nags at me that it isn't my choice to be alone.

The sad thing is, I don't want to break up because you've told a million people you're coming for my graduation. I don't want to explain to people that we've broken up because everyone tells me how great you are, and I feel like they'll assume it's my fault because they like you more than they like me. Hey, that actually resembles the drama serial I've just finished. I don't want to feel indebted to you for paying the rent yet I can't be independent and pay for it myself. Heck, it's so weird to break up with someone yet still have obligations to each other.

What a mess I am huh. It's not really a nice feeling to know that you're drifting away from your boyfriend yet there's not much to be done. Think of it as... knowing that you've a terminal illness and you're just waiting to die. Dramatic analogy, I know, but blame it on the influence of TV.

In any case, I'm just waiting for the axe to fall, or for something to change. I feel like I want to write more but it's still too early to announce to the world what I'm really thinking. Plus it's unfair that others' find out about my feelings earlier than he does - I've never seen the blog as a place to tell H something about our relationship - if we can't even communicate that privately, then something is really wrong. It's just.. a sounding board for my thoughts.


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