Whisk me away to a secret world...

Friday, December 17, 2004

The Clarence Theory

10.07am 16 Dec 2004 Thursday

This theory postulates that "no answer is an answer in itself". In other words, the absence of an answer is an answer too.

He's leaving/ left today. Part of me is screaming senselessly, "Why didn't you call?", while the other part just wants to calm down and focus on the exam tomorrow. Does it matter if he calls? Does it make a difference if he tells you he's leaving? The bottomline is, he's leaving for good, he's going back to her, and both of you have broken up. Even if you hadn't, there's nothing to work towards, no future, no end in sight.

Just focus on the bottomline.

In the midst of all the stupid nonsense, I feel so bad that I'm disappointing my dad again. There're so many recurring pessimistic thoughts in my head. I'm sorry, Daddy. It's all my fault.

It's all my fault.

Sunday, December 05, 2004

When it all amounts to nothing in the end

5.41pm 4 Dec 2004 Saturday

I think we've done enough pallying around for this relationship. There's only that much I can take. Of what, really, I don't know. The waiting, the half-hearted attempted to move forward before rolling backwards again...

But no more.

I want to say I'm prepared to try again, regardless of the objections I've been receiving, but the irony hits me hard. The decision doesn't even lie upon me; he was the one who broke up with me, how can I possibly be the one choosing? Sometimes my foolishness gets the better of me.

Do you realise that people don't actually like compliments all that much? I bet that had I been forthcoming with my somewhat attraction to Mark, he'd flee 10 miles away from me. But it's the hemming and hawing that draws him; the fact that when he thinks he has me, I turn around and vanish from his grasp again.

Same deal with Jeremy. Dammit, I still think of him as Jem in my mind's eye, which is where it really matters. But anyway. He knows his hold over me, and that I'll capitulate in a blink. Perhaps that's the most unattractive part of love, the absolute trust you're willing to put into the person's hands. And... that's when you know it's unrequited, when he hems and haws.

Of course I want to remind myself of his words, I want to remember that it's for the good of both of us, and that we're better off with other people. But the cynic in me questions, is that really the case? Because it sounds like a darn nice excuse.

Suddenly, looking at his photo and typing this brings back a flood of memories. I see him talking to me, cajoling, quarrelling, loving, pleading, insisting... I see us at my house 3 months ago, me with a dull ache in my heart and roaring white noise in my ears and him, with shiny eyes.

I want to say, please stop fooling around with me. You disturb me more than anyone has in the recent times, and I can't remember how to handle all this emotion. Love is love, life is life. Darling, make your choice and we'll both move on. I can't possibly take assault after assault after assault.

But I know, it'll all amount to nothing in the end.