It's actually no choice.

3.11am 24 January 2008 Thursday

In my other blog I scribbled something about Hobson's choice, and what it meant. It was to preserve the memory of that brief conversation we had, but in hindsight, I actually have no choice. There's nothing much wrong with anything, and I know I'm just restless now. The ground that has been constantly moving beneath your feet seem to have been steady for too long under mine, and the sudden motion feels like someone just pulled the carpet out from underfoot.

I don't want to expound on how nice or great or good looking T is, because there isn't any point. The point is that I've made my bed and now I shall lie in it, because it is a perfectly fine and sturdy bed. Perhaps I should open my eyes to the fact that I've inherited the "roving eye" gene, and that I simply fall into such situations too easily.

Focus...

LOML

11.49pm 27 September 2007 Thursday

There can only be one love of your life. Once you give out 100% of your heart, no matter how hard you try the next time, you can only give 99%, because the remaining 1% is no longer yours to give away.

Life just loves to play these little tricks on you, to drop a bombshell when you least expect it. I can dissect you into tiny pieces with friends, and my rational mind can decide all it wants to decide to think, but somehow there's no controlling the wild stallion of my heart. Isn't it just simply annoying that no matter how disciplined you are, or how good you are at shutting out emotions, that you cannot control how you feel?

What a bummer.

I know this is it, that it is the end of us. There can be no more hope that something will change, not that I can will my mind to stop drifting in that direction, but at least there will never be any action following those thoughts anymore.

Of course I had been fed a fair diet of the usual advice - if he really wants you, there'd be no stopping him; some guys are just jerks for no reason; you don't deserve to be treated this way, etc. Of course I've distracted myself to stop my hyperactive imagination from running a marathon. And needless to say I've named every single lovable thing about H to remind myself why I'm in this fulfilling relationship with a perfectly normal guy.

I've evaluated and re-evaluated each and every conversation we have had, and with heart-wrenching objectivity concluded that no one in their right minds or with a hint of decency would do anything of the things you did. My god, my poor friends have been through it over and over with me, even H was generous enough to discuss this whole issue with me.

Why couldn't it have finished when you walked away from my apt that night after telling me you were leaving? I would have cried and pouted for a bit but at the end of the day, I would have been completely OK.

What were your motives for calling me during that period of time? What would have happened had I brought my phone along to France instead of leaving them at Robin's place accidentally?

You know, it's like a mystery novel with its last chapters torn out - you just can't sleep until you know who killed the old lady.

Ah, bugger it all.

You.

1.15am 10 Aug 2007 Friday

Leave me alone, you haunting memories.

I see your face in my head over and over, in the most inconspicuous spots my vacuum cleaner must have missed. Is there no way to exorcise you from my mind?

It's past midnight and I'm sitting in the bathroom, listening to sad songs that remind me of you. If human beings are so intelligent, then why are our minds programmed to ask, "Why?"? These rhetorical questions only serve to cause us grief and sleeplessness.

The more important question is, will I sleep peacefully when I get an answer?

Don't pluck at the stray thread - otherwise everything will unravel.

8.36pm 9 Oct 2006 Monday

It's a cold day. The sun was an attention-grabbing mix of red and pink as I drove home after work. Perhaps the combination of all these factors contribute to my overall melancholy. Well, considering that I come to this blog only when I think of him, I'm glad that there aren't that many posts.

I was listening to a song when my treacherous heart fluttered nervously. I stared at the screen, unseeing, and my ears, unhearing. It was as though I didn't understand the language: only the music, the rhythm and the emotions of the song touched the depths of my numbed soul.

Sometimes I feel like those memories are like stray thread - once you pull it, you're never going to get the fabric back into a pristine condition again. Worse still if the tapestry starts to unravel and you end up with less than you began with.

How is it that he still sticks to my mind like a forgotten scab that hurts when you try to pull it off, when I feel normal most of the time? I can never understand the contradictory feelings.

Have you forgotten me? I wonder out of vanity. We will never be together. How could I have lived my simple life with the constant worry that I'm not enough for you? I can't. He gives me a security I've always sought, just like you had. The only difference is, he never holds back his love, while you, you fled away from me...

Times like this makes me glad I destroyed all past evidence of our happiness. So even if I wanted to, there's no turning back.

But on a cold fall night like this, I still think of you...

Hai Shi Xiang Zhe Ni

12.13am 28 Sept 2006 Thursday

It's incredible, but I still miss you. Never did, never will understand what the hold is.

Yi ge ren de gu dan ji mo

4.39pm 22 July 2006 Saturday

Yi ge ren de gu dan ji mo roughly translates into "one person's lonliness and solitude". But this silence isn't entirely bad because it has been a long time since I've been by myself. The unfortunate thing is, once I retreat into my shell, I don't remember to talk to anyone - not the best friend, not my family, not my friends. Somehow the world seems to only consist of me, work and TV.

Today I went to Chantilly's for tea. I'd ordered a massive 3-tier Duchess Cream Tea and actually finished most of it. The room was bright and airy, and the food was delish as usual. Soothing music played overhead, and soon the room faded to a blur as I immersed myself in the book and my yummy cakes.

I impulsively decided to drive all the way up to Mt Lemmon after the lunch and stopped at Windy Point Vista for a while. The drive was fast and hard, which suited my mood well. The first bubble of sadness rose the the surface as I listened to some songs and thoughts about the past appeared in my mind unbidden. As I sped down, tears began flowing earnestly and I felt an unfamiliar constriction in my heart. I still have no idea what spurred such a breakdown, but in any case, it dissipated as fast as it appeared.

You know, I can't make any sense of these feelings that sprout out of nowhere, but yet I feel responsible for them somehow. I mean, they must still be affecting me, otherwise I shouldn't even be thinking about it, right? Which brings me to the next point - if I'm not over it, then what the heck have I been doing the past 8 months? It's pretty confusing but the good thing is, there's nothing I can or want to do about it. Which brings me back to my original point: why does it still bother me from time to time? Is it something wrong with me, or my memories, or my current relationship?

Humph. I was telling H the other day that I crave the feeling of being in love again. You know, when you first get to know a person, feel a frission of attraction, get to know him better and then gradually spend more time together. It's such an exciting process, and although being together is fine and dandy, the romantic in me still find that I miss that initial stage the most.

Maybe I can attribute all these thoughts of roses and love to the TV serials I've been watching lately. Marmalade Boy was an anime that got me glued to the TV most of the past 2 weeks, and the bittersweet yet realistic storyline was very engaging. The twists appear when you least expect it, and problems faced by the characters slowly reveal themselves in time. OK, the ending was quite dumb and I wish they'd put more thought into it, but I still liked it alot. The HK drama MH burnt for me before I left was much more predictable, but there is something to be said about watching a drama serial with so many cute and buff actors in it. I didn't even realise that it has been a long time since I've seen a hunky, tanned guy in a white shirt. Ekin Cheng in the show was rather droolworthy although there is much to improve on in terms of acting.

H sent a card from Germany with an English translation of the contents. I also received a bouquet of flowers when I was feeling down and out. So why do I still feel increasingly ambivalent and distant? hehe, maybe it has absolutely nothing to do with the amount of time and money spent on nurturing the relationship. The further apart we are, the further my heart drifts away. Maybe I should say the famous line, "It's not you, it's me." You're perfectly happy knowing that we meet in 2 weeks and then again in 5 months, and then again goodnessknowswhen, and finally when I finish my DI.

I'm not.

I thought I'd miss you more, but it seems like I miss your presence and the prospect of a built-in activity partner more. That doesn't seem right. I mean, I don't want to be miserable missing you or anything, but I didn't expect it to be so easy to be apart. The problem is, it doesn't just stop at being apart. The gap continues to grow and grow, and I feel like soon I'll drift too far away to even find the ZL who was in the relationship with you.

It reminds me of the time with Alan. He was away in camp most of the time and we communicated principally through phone calls and SMS. Over the course of 1 year, he gave me 4 journals filled with drawings and poems and writing. But yet at the same time, I was increasingly drawn to my handsome, mysterious schoolmate. You know, it isn't as much as I was interested in Rayner as I was bored. It even started out as a joke amongst a couple of friends searching for eye candy to look at in class. One thing eventually led to another, and Alan and I broke up. It wasn't to say that I didn't love Alan; I did. But maybe I'm too flighty to be the understanding girlfriend who'd wait stoically.

Somehow I feel like this is in the midst of happening again, except there's no one else involved. I keep telling myself that I'm looking forward to going to Germany when I'm more worried about coordinating the logistics of the day. I'm thinking of ways to surprise H but it's more to cheer him up than to express my love. I'm fine being alone but it nags at me that it isn't my choice to be alone.

The sad thing is, I don't want to break up because you've told a million people you're coming for my graduation. I don't want to explain to people that we've broken up because everyone tells me how great you are, and I feel like they'll assume it's my fault because they like you more than they like me. Hey, that actually resembles the drama serial I've just finished. I don't want to feel indebted to you for paying the rent yet I can't be independent and pay for it myself. Heck, it's so weird to break up with someone yet still have obligations to each other.

What a mess I am huh. It's not really a nice feeling to know that you're drifting away from your boyfriend yet there's not much to be done. Think of it as... knowing that you've a terminal illness and you're just waiting to die. Dramatic analogy, I know, but blame it on the influence of TV.

In any case, I'm just waiting for the axe to fall, or for something to change. I feel like I want to write more but it's still too early to announce to the world what I'm really thinking. Plus it's unfair that others' find out about my feelings earlier than he does - I've never seen the blog as a place to tell H something about our relationship - if we can't even communicate that privately, then something is really wrong. It's just.. a sounding board for my thoughts.

It's a unanimous vote.

I have to admit, I'm quite at a loss. How can everyone else be wrong, and my own judgment correct? I wonder where that fount of trust and hope is coming from, because my conscious mind is struggling with coming to terms with it. Perhaps you aren't having such a terrible time as I am. After all, they say that when things like that happen, "He's just not that into you"...

For 30 minutes, I actually tried listing out my rationale for convincing myself. But you know what? Perhaps it isn't necessary. Deep in my heart, I know that you still care, but not enough. Enough to call me from time to time when you're free and drill me on my whereabouts and expect me to reply meekly, but not enough to see me.

I should know that this is all that it amounts to. A half-hearted attempt, a stab in the dark, heck, a needle in the hay stack. You would have called if you were interested, and there shouldn't have to be such a problem meeting up if you really wanted to. Oh, of course I could come up with a thousand excuses. But the key is actually this: you'd have done it if you were interested. So I guess you were right, I didn't understand the term "not free".

Put in other words, that was my cue that you wanted something that you don't want to work hard for. You were free for everything, everyone, but not enough to set a time and date to meet me. Why that was so, I've no idea. One cannot expect to gain from something that you don't put in effort for, so letting me slip from your fingers was your fault. Don't try to pin it on me, because I re-read my logic and found no flaws, no "I could have done better if"s.

The unanimous vote? Every one of my friends, regardless whether they know you or not, had expressed disfavour of this situation. But the one that opened my mind to the fact was..