Whisk me away to a secret world...

Sunday, April 10, 2005

It's a thin line between the sane and insane.

6.34am 10 April 2005 Sunday

This morning I thought of you. Not missed you, which would have a mental equivalent of your name in neon lights and an emotional accompaniment of pain. Not a trip down the memory lane, where you'd get a flashback and some longing for the good ol' days. In fact, now that I'm writing about you, I'm not really thinking of what happened, but more of what you might be doing now.

I called just now. The first call wasn't answered. I wasn't disappointed nor upset, but my heart pounded fiercely nonetheless. I tried again, and just as it was about to click into "The M1 customer you are calling is not responding," you answered.

We chatted about regular stuff for a while, ie cars and scholarship, and I launched into a diatribe about my bad week. You listened and cracked not-so-funny jokes, which took away the tension. I steered the conversation towards Francis, and told you his comfy sofa analogy. You echoed what I've always thought was true, that even friends closest to us don't really see the difference. But you can't blame me for thinking otherwise, because it is an improbable proposition.

Francis wasn't the first well-meaning person to say that. Leslie told me you were an unstable flirt too. Friends looking at the situation shook their heads at my gullibility. Part of me was skeptical too, wondering if I was the proverbial stupid person hanging on to a lie.

He said I was a comfortable sofa that you have on hold while you look for newer, flashier models. That you didn't really want the comfy old sofa, that it was a back up in case you couldn't find something better. You reassured me.

"Alot of people don't understand what we're doing. But I've never thought of you the way he said I did"

"is our compromise still valid?" "which compromise?" "the one you spoke of in dec" "yes."

"Is he from the airforce?"

"Be careful..."

So I'm not crazy. I'm not that madly in love with you that I can't see any rhyme or reason. Maybe that's all that I needed to know, that I'm not a stupid fool hanging on to nothing. When I started this alternative blog, it was to straighten out my thoughts about you. Every time I've a doubt, it's magnified by well-meaning friends and this doubt just grows because I've forgotten you. I've forgotten the inexplicable reason that sets this relationship apart from others, why I cannot explain this belief that I'm not being taken as a dumbass and dragged around like one.

Oh, I hope this persists. I do so hope.


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