Whisk me away to a secret world...

Tuesday, February 22, 2005

You and I Both

1.44pm 21 Feb 2005 Monday

I miss you so terribly. Over the weekend when I mediated the breakup between Francis and Tu, I felt so thankful that you were the one I fell in love with. It's the bittersweet type of pain, you know? On one hand, incredibly grateful we didn't have to go through all that, but on the other hand, miserably frustrated that I understood.

My life is so fulfilling and meaningful now. I'm doing things I love, I'm doing things I want to do for the rest of my life, I'm learning so much. But without you by my side, it all comes to naught. Where is that contentment? Where is the happiness? Why are all my feelings, save sadness, muted? There are so many things I want to share with you, things that are just not enough to be told to friends.

Where are you? Where are you when I need you? I hate it that I completely see where you are going, why you are doing this. I hate it when I know that we're pulling in separate directions. But most of all, I hate the doubts in my mind, when I cannot remember if you really love me, or is it some excuse.

What a farce life is. When I'm happy, I talk to myself in my head, pretending that it's you and we're telepathic. When I'm upset, I talk to myself in my head, pretending that you're giving me the comfort and support I need, and that you're not that far away. But you are. In a different world 10,000km away, you're holding some other girl in your arms, looking into her eyes, trying your hardest to get on with your life without me, instead of waiting like the fool I am.

Yes, one day I'll let the feelings go and be happy that we once loved. I know I will. But I don't want to. My tears can't even come out anymore, it's a dry, heaving sob. I don't even know how to cry for you anymore, although there's a lump in my throat that's choking me. It's all inside, but I've forgotten.

Every day I catch a glimpse of you in the photo next to my computer. Every day I associate something I'm doing now with what we used to do. But is that... in preparation for the possibility that I might not go back?

Working in the lab made me realise that I love what I do. The feeling of... discovering new things, of possessing knowledge, that's what I really love. So there is a big chance that I might not go back home after my 5 years here, and instead, stay for a Masters or even PhD. After all, you're not even waiting.

Maybe that's why all the feelings are choked up and suppressed. Because I can never really have an avenue to let out again, can I? That wasn't part of the script that I've been carrying around in my head, but I guess... it is what I'm thinking about. What will you say if I ask to meet in SG? What might happen if I ask if you want to retry? How will the relationship dynamics be like? Will I then, become the one who loves you too much and am constantly afraid that you'll leave? Isn't that half a life as well?

No, perhaps... I already know I'm too proud to start all over with you. There can be no way for me to believe you still love me the way you do, when there is not a peep from you. Which brings me back to my point, if there's nothing to go home to, I might as well stay here, rather than to go back and be crushed by equal weights of hope and disappointment.

Where are you?


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